Christmas gifts for TV people

You know how some people are just impossible to buy for? Especially those people who really don't deserve a gift?

Well, fear not, the Grape has compiled a list of last minute gift ideas for TV people. If you were unlucky enough to draw the name of someone you despise in the Secret Santa game, here are some suggestions arranged by job title:

News Director: What ND wouldn't love to have a consultant at his or her beck and call 24 hours a day? That's why the "Bob the Consultant" action figure is the perfect gift. Just pull the string in the back and hear such tired cliches as, "You need a higher story count" or, "Do at least five live shots in every newscast even if there's nothing going on" and the all-time classic, "You need to do some research." Batteries not included, must deposit one thousand dollars into base of doll every ten days with no way of ever getting it back. Smoke blowing feature optional.

Lazy Anchor: Tired of your anchor taking two hour dinner breaks? Well, you need the "Dinner Break" watch. During the day it looks and operates like any other timepiece, but between the hours of 6:30pm and 8:30pm it runs at double speed. Imagine the surprise when your anchor returns to the station at 7:30 thinking it is really 8:30!

Logistics Challenged Producer: If you're a photog, you'd probably just buy a producer a map so he or she could know exactly how long it takes to get from point A to point B. Now with the "Time-Shifter GPS" a producer can be tricked into giving you the time you need. Simply plug in any destination, and the GPS will add 20 miles, thereby giving you plenty of time to get to your story. It also factors in 15 extra minutes to counteract any order to "drop whatever you're doing" so you have time to actually break down and pack your gear.

Consultant: No more templates telling stations how to run a newscast. Simply present your consultant with the new "Television Magic 8-Ball" which is just like the one you had as a kid, only it's filled with appropriate advice. The consultant can simply ask the 8-ball a question, shake it, turn it over, and wait for results like "more graphics" "less graphics" "more live shots" or "fewer live shots."

Photog: Tired of hearing how stressful it is to eat in the car? Now you can present your favorite photog with the "Steering Wheel TV Tray" which clamps onto the steering wheel and has plenty of room for an eight piece place setting. Charger plates optional. He'll feel right at home!

Bean Counter: Now you can drive these people nuts with the crystal canister of "500 colorful beans." But the dirty little secret here is that there are only 499 beans in the jar. Guaranteed to provide hours of fun as they count the beans again and again while thinking they've gone nuts!

Assignment Editor: Do you have one of those AEs who wouldn't know a good story if it hit him in the face? You need "Scanner Block." Just activate the device within 100 feet of the assignment editor and it will knock out the scanner, forcing him to assign real stories!

Reporter: Are you a photog who has to deal with a prima donna reporter? Now you can make their lives miserable too. The "Tripod Enhancer" is an easily concealed device that fits just under the tripod head, yet adds an extra 20 pounds of weight. Imagine the joy you'll experience watching your favorite reporter lug the equivalent of an anvil up a steep hill!

Well, that's it for this catalog. Of course, if you're still stuck for an idea, you can always buy the Grape's book. Links are on the right side of this page. Hint, hint...