Friday, December 5, 2008

Interview with a (news) vampire

Grape: We're here today with Virginia Ham, who works the overnight shift for an affiliate in a medium sized market. Virginia, good morning. Virginia?

Virginia: Huh? (rubbing her eyes) Sorry. Dozed off for a moment.

Grape: So, tell us about yourself. How long have you been working the overnight reporting shift?

Virginia: Oh, ten or twelve years. Wait, wait, it just seems that way. Seventeen months.

Grape: Sounds like you're counting the days.

Virginia: My contract is up in 152 days.

Grape: Doesn't sound like you want to renew.

Virginia: I want my life back.

Grape: So tell me about your typical day on the overnight shift.

Virginia: Well, I get here at eleven thirty when the evening people are going home. Then I sit by the scanner waiting for something to happen.

Grape: Can't you do something other than scanner stories?

Virginia: Well, they told me that when they hired me, but who the heck is available for an interview in the middle of the night? The only non-scanner story I've done is Black Friday. I'll tell you, the opening at K-Mart was a real thrill.

Grape: You just got off your shift. What did you do?

Virginia: Car wreck at one a-m. Then a live shot at the top of the show at six telling people there had been a car wreck five hours ago and it was all cleaned up and wouldn't affect their commute.

(At this point our breakfast arrives and Virginia tears into her pancakes.)

Grape: Hungry?

Virginia: You kidding? You're always hungry on this shift. You snack during the night, then you eat breakfast, go home, take a nap, wake up, eat lunch, take another nap, eat dinner, go back to sleep. Gained ten pounds on this shift.

Grape: I've heard some people say that being off in the daytime gives you lots of time to get things done.

Virginia: Yeah, if you want to go to the dry cleaners every day. I mean seriously, how much time during the week do you need to run errands?

Grape: So how's your life away from the station?

Virginia: Ha. I nice man took me to dinner Friday night and I was so tired I did a header into a bowl of lobster bisque.

Grape: Please don't do that now. I don't think you'd look good covered in syrup.

Virginia: I'm good. Sugar high.

Grape: So the social life...

Virginia: Social life? What social life? I'm always tired, parties start when I'm going to bed and my dates think I'm bored with them because I fall asleep during dinner. Then on the weekend I want to sleep late but I wake up at four in the morning anyway. By the time Sunday rolls around I can't fall asleep and then I'm exhausted on my first workday of the week.

Grape: So, bottom line, your advice to any reporter offered an overnight job is...

Virginia: Unless it is in a great station or a way to get your foot in the door at a network, leave skid marks when you are offered this job. No stories for your resume tape, no social life, and at this rate I'm going to put someone's eye out when the button on these jeans finally gives up the ghost.

Grape: Thank you for your honestly, Virginia.

Virginia. No problem. You gonna eat your bacon?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hey Nancy Pelosi, how 'bout a bailout?

Dear Nancy,

While I know that the correct way to address you would be "Madam Speaker" I figured, hey, we're both paisans here. Anyway, I've noted that since all those bailout requests seem to cross your desk at some point, I thought I'd run an idea up the Capitol flagpole and see who salutes.

You know what industry really needs a bailout? Broadcasting. While rich CEOs are flying private jets to ask you for a few bucks, news people are laboring in the trenches for salaries that often fall below the poverty level. Over the years cable and satellite have killed the golden goose, and now our slice of the advertising pie is a crumb.

You want proof? Starting salaries for reporters today are the same as they were twenty years ago. But the cost of living isn't the same. If someone wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Cook Ramen Noodles" half the reporters in America would buy it.

See, you're probably thinking we all make salaries like those network people who cover you in DC. Not even close. We're shooting standups off the high beams of SUVs because we don't have enough portable lights. We're selling our live trucks and buying really long camera cables. We can't even deduct meals as business expenses because vending machines don't give receipts.

And, oh yeah, that little digital switchover you guys mandated that will create the biggest ball of confusion in the history of this country wasn't exactly cheap.

C'mon, Nance, what's a few billion for the industry that (and I hate to play our marker) let's face it, put your guy in the White House? In the language of our old neighborhood, here's how it's gonna work: you bail us out, and watch the amazing amount of positive economic stories that start airing on January 21st. Perception being reality, the stock market will rise, gas prices will drop to a buck, consumers will start spending, and life will be fun again.

Then you can go back to really important issues, like making cable and satellite channels a la carte so local stations can make a little more money and the thousand shopping channels a little less.

Please consider our request. I didn't charter a private jet or even fly commercial to plead our case. I'm just saving money and being green with this nice little email.

If you agree to this, I'll work for a salary of one dollar next year. (Wait... come to think of it, most of us in this industry already do!)

And if you're in the neighborhood, please stop by for lasagna and tiramisu.

Sincerely,

The Grape

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dress codes: What's "cool" is not necessarily what you should wear

Grape,

I see a lot of men on local news being very non-traditional these days. Goatees, no neckties, jackets with tee-shirts. What's your take on this, and would being "non-traditional" affect your chances for a job?

-Trendy guy

Dear Trendy,

Well, call me old school but conservative and traditional still rule. I often wonder what some on-air people are thinking when I see some of the "outfits" that pass for newscaster wardrobes these days. It is one thing to wear jeans when you're doing a story on a farm; but if you're in a studio there's no excuse for an unprofessional look.

For whatever reason it seems that all the fashion mistakes are made by those with a Y chromosome. Women don't seem to fall prey to dressing down.

Anyway, you asked for my opinion, so here goes:

Goatees: Honestly, they make most men look sinister. They may be in style now (they won't be in a few years, trust me) but they just look weird on people delivering the news. And by the way, if there's any gray in your facial hair (hence the term "graybeard") you ought to shave it off. You will improve your chances if you look conservative.

T-shirts instead of collared shirts: This is really a pet peeve of mine, and it seems that all sorts of sportscasters are going this route. When Don Johnson wore t-shirts and a suit on Miami Vice it worked, but that was 1986 and this is broadcast news. Get a shirt with a collar and wear a tie. If my dad were around he'd say, "So, you're going to work in a five hundred dollar suit and a five dollar undershirt?"

No neckties: I don't care how hot it is or how casual you want to appear, if you are doing a serious story you need a shirt with a tie. I don't mind the lack of a jacket in the dead of August, but a man without a tie just seems to leave a little credibility on the table.

Monochrome outfits: I've seen a few outfits that consisted of black jacket, black shirt, black tie. Unless you're trying out for a vampire in the next Twilight movie, you need more than one color.

Goodfellas extra outfits: Black jacket, black shirt, white tie. Great if you're applying for a job with the neighborhood underboss.

As for the women, you all dress so nice. (Now please, stop dying your hair.)