The great sweeps promo decoder

Someone always throws a switch in the promotions department when sweeps begin... and that trickles down to producers who have to write teases and updates for riveting stories like "How escalators can kill you" or "Shopping cart handles... lingering death awaits in the supermarket."

Anyway, in case you didn't know, here are the actual meanings behind sweeps promotional terms.

"In a story you'll see ONLY on this station..." actually means, "It's a story no one else wanted to cover."

"We have MAJOR breaking news tonight..." actually means, "We have breaking news, but add an extra adjective for sweeps."

"In an EXCLUSIVE interview..." actually means, "No one else wanted to talk to this joker."

"We interrupt this program for a weather alert from the Super-Dooper Doppler Center..." actually means, "There's a cumulus cloud in the viewing area."

"Eye-Missedit News has learned..." actually means, "We read the paper this morning and wanted to pass this on."

"We have special team coverage..." actually means, "We could only think of two good packages for today, so we split one in half."

"It's a parent's worst nightmare..." actually means, "The economy is so bad you can't afford hundred dollar sneakers for the little munchkins."

"We should warn you that what you're about so see is disturbing..." actually means, "We searched YouTube all day to find some bizarre video to promote."

"New tonight..." actually means, "Here's a story we couldn't fit into the six o'clock show."

"It's a story we've been following all day..." actually means, "The story moved on the wire at 9 this morning, and we wrote it at four o'clock."

"My co-anchor Joe Goodhair is on assignment..." actually means, "Joe Goodhair called in sick during sweeps and the ND doesn't want the GM to know it."