Interview with average viewers

Today we're spending some time with Joe and Mabel Sixpack, average viewers who live in an average home and work at average jobs. They are in the key demographic these days, which is classified as "breathing."

Grape: Joe, Mabel, thanks so much for taking the time to talk with us today.

Joe: Thanks for listening. I often wondered if the networks have a clue as to what average viewers are thinking.

Grape: So what are you thinking?

Mabel: They never should have killed off Rex on Desperate Housewives.

Joe: Heck, she's still mad about them killing off Roz on LA Law twenty years ago.

Mabel: Yeah, like you don't miss Paula Abdul.

Grape: Can we talk about local news? Specifically, what are your viewing habits?

Joe: Well, when we watch, we watch Super Action Eyemissedit News. That's the station with the nuclear super-collider doppler radar that can tell the direction you combed your hair and the effect of the wind vortex you've created by doing so.

Grape: So you don't flip around the channels at six o'clock, to see who has the best lead story?

Mabel: You can't be serious. Why would anyone do that?

Grape: So why do you watch that particular channel?

Joe: Well, let's be honest. We only watch it if nothing else is on. If Seinfeld or Everybody Loves Raymond doesn't have a particularly good episode, we'll watch the news.

Mabel: We watch that channel because they're the least of three evils. Kinda like going to vote on election day.

Grape: What do you mean?

Mabel: Well, one of the other channels runs nothing but car wrecks and fires. The second one loves tape from convenience store robberies. I mean, seriously, who cares?

Joe: None of that stuff affects us.

Grape: So you've settled on one station. Is there anything you like about it?

Mabel: Well, they do some decent stories about stuff other than crime. Consumer news, things that can save you a buck. Decent health stories, although you can tell they're from out of town since all the doctors and patients have New York accents, and we're a long way from New York.

Joe: Plus the brunette anchor is cute.

Mabel: Like I said, he misses Paula Abdul. We met that anchor once in the grocery store. She was very nice and actually talked to us. Seemed like a real person. Gave us her business card and told us to call if we ever had an interesting story. The anchors on the other channels look fake, and they're overly dramatic. They make a car wreck seem like the end of the world.

Joe: You know what I really hate? When someone dies, and they send a reporter to interview the family. Would you want a camera in your face if you lost a loved one?

Grape: Let's talk about weather. Consultants say it is the most important part of the newscast.

Mabel: I wouldn't say that, but you need to know the forecast, or if some hurricane or tornado is coming.

Joe: Yeah, but they can really ruin the rest of the programming. We don't really need those constant interruptions or split screens. Just run a little warning on the bottom of the screen. We can read, you know.

Grape: Do all those promotions about weather equipment influence you at all?

Joe: You'd have to be a rocket scientist to understand that stuff. They talk like the average family has a nuclear reactor in the garage. I just want to watch someone who knows what he's talking about, and I don't need an endless forecast. I can look that up in ten seconds on the Internet... why do I have to wait four minutes to find out if it's gonna rain or not?

Grape: How about sports?

Joe: One of those other channels canceled local sports, so there's no chance we'll ever watch them.

Grape: Consultants say sports fans watch ESPN.

Joe: And does ESPN have stories about our local teams? No.

Grape: What about the Internet?

Mabel: What about it?

Grape: When stations tell you to go to the Internet for more on the story, do you do it?

Mabel: I shouldn't have to. If you can't give me the whole story on TV, what's the point of local news?

Joe: You know what I hate? When they do those things during prime time about big stories and they turn out to be nothing.

Grape: You mean teases?

Joe: Whatever they're called, but they rarely deliver the goods.

Grape: Anything else you'd change on local news?

Joe: Why do they go all out during sweeps?

Grape: You know about sweeps?

Joe: Sure, TV Guide talks about it all the time. It's like when sweeps are over, they all stop trying. I know about jumping the shark, too.

Mabel: Like when they pushed Roz down the elevator shaft. They jumped a great white in that episode.

Grape: Anything else?

Mabel: You know, I'd ditch those commercials when they talk about how great they are, or what a good job they did covering a big story. If you did that in real life, people would call you conceited. Tell us what stories you're going to do, not what you already covered. But don't make them sound bigger than they really are.

Joe: I like the live shots they do at eleven o'clock in front of some place that's closed and pitch dark. Like there's something happening at that hour at the county courthouse or city hall. What is the point of being out there at that hour?

Grape: Don't look at me, I have no idea.

Joe: You know, when I was growing up we'd all watch the news every night. We never missed it.

Grape: So what's changed?

Joe: The news they're covering doesn't affect me for the most part.

Grape: Would you start watching more if it did?

Joe: You bet.

Grape: Well, it's almost six o'clock. Let's see what the big story is.

Mabel: Oh, I'm sorry, but tonight they're running the Seinfeld episode where Kramer gets the rickshaw.

Joe: Yeah, we never miss that one.