Thursday, August 12, 2010

The flight attendant's field guide to quitting a job in broadcasting

Quitting a job can be a euphoric experience, especially if you're leaving a gig located in the ninth circle of hell. Sadly, we can't pull a Jet Blue, grab a beer and hit the emergency slide. The closest that we in the news business could get would be to steal all the Sweet 'n' Low from the break room and roll down a satellite dish.

However, since some lack the creative flair to quit a job in a memorable manner, here is an all-purpose resignation letter. Whether you're leaving in a professional manner or napalming a bridge, this multiple choice letter will enable you to leave in style.


Dear:

a: name of News Director
b: name of General Manager (if you want to send a subtle message by going over the head of the News Director)
c: idiot who runs the newsroom
d: crash dummy

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation. During my two years here:
a: it has been a pleasure to be a part of your team.
b: I've learned a good deal about the news business.
c: I've had the suicide hotline on speed dial.
d: you've proven that people rise to the level of their incompetence.

I am leaving in order to:
a: pursue a great opportunity
b: take a job that will enable me to take my skills to the next level
c: work for someone with more intelligence than a sock puppet
d: preserve what is left of my sanity so that I do not end up in a rubber room

My last day will be:
a: in two weeks
b: in two weeks minus the 37 comp days you owe me for all the unpaid overtime I worked
c: only experienced if you can take a trip back to last Friday in a time machine

I would like to:
a: thank you for the opportunity that you have afforded me during my time here
b: wish you and the news team the best in the future
c: hit lotto, buy the station, and fire you
d: see you reincarnated as a spider

In closing, I'd like to say:
a: I'll keep in touch as I'm sure our paths will cross again
b: I'll send good people your way
c: I'll think of my time here as a root canal that lasted two years
d: you're a big meanie and I hope you get hit on the head by a meteor

Sincerely,
(your name here)

1 comment:

turdpolisher said...

gonna copy and past it for the next time the desk pisses me off. thanks.