Thursday, September 8, 2011

Interview with a worrier

Today we're having breakfast with Eileen Left, a very talented young reporter in the process of job hunting. Eileen is a world class worrier, so we're going to try to get her to dial her stress level down a notch. Eileen has already arrived at the restaurant when I get there.

Grape: Hope I didn't keep you waiting.

Eileen: Been here an hour. I wanted to get here early. I mean, I could've had a flat tire, run out of gas, gotten stuck behind a funeral-

Grape: Been abducted by aliens...

Eileen: That too. And then, what would you think of me if I was late? I mean, you're The Grape, you're old school. Reporters don't miss deadlines.

Grape: Breakfast is not a deadline. Relax.

Eileen: I'll try.

The waitress arrives to take our order. As always, our interviews are done in New Jersey.

Waitress: (snapping her gum) Waddaya want, honey?

Eileen: Are the eggs cooked all the way through? And is the sausage kept at the appropriate safe temperature in the kitchen? I could get e-coli, trichinosis-

Waitress: I'll have the chef cook the hell out of whatever you want. He can nuke it down to the molecular level and you can spoon the ashes into your coffee.

Grape: Two ham and cheese omelets, two glasses of orange juice.

Eileen: Thank you.

The waitress writes the order on the pad and leaves.

Grape: So, tell me about your job hunt.

Eileen: Well, I've sent out fifty tapes. Of course, I'm not sure if they all arrived. I haven't gotten fifty phone calls. What if the post office lost some of them? What if the mailroom boy at the station sent my tape to the wrong person?

Grape: I'm sure they arrived just fine.

Eileen: It's the Post Office.

Grape: Point taken. So, any nibbles?

Eileen: I've had calls this week from four News Directors who love my work.

Grape: And?

Eileen: And they said they'll get back to me soon. But what if the General Manager doesn't like me? What if another reporter with a better tape shows up. Maybe I should have put my bungee jumping accountant package first on my tape.

Grape: If they called you, they liked your tape. I've seen your tape, and it's great. You're immensely talented.

Eileen: Suppose they don't like my hair? Maybe I should have cut it.

Grape: Your hair looks great.

Eileen: You're a man. You're supposed to say that.

Grape: Point taken again. But your hair does look great.

Eileen: But they haven't called. Maybe they think I'm fat. Do these jeans--

Grape: Don't go there.

Eileen: I'm not pretty enough.

Grape: The bus boy just walked into a wall staring at you.

Eileen: So why haven't they called?

Grape: Any number of reasons. Saving money, can't make a decision, waiting for corporate approval on salary. Could be anything. But if you got four calls you're doing great. You'll be outta here in no time.

Eileen: But suppose none of them call? Suppose I never get out of Palookaville? I could end up a spinster reporter. I could-

Eileen's phone rings.

Eileen: Hello? Yes, this is Eileen. Oh, hello..... really? That sounds great! When do I start?

Eileen chats a little while then hangs up.

Grape: Job offer?

Eileen: Yeah! I accepted it. Great salary, great place to live. I need to be there in three weeks.

Grape: See, all that worry was for nothing.

Eileen: But what happens if I get there and they hate me? Or if I'm late for work on my first day....

TVNEWSGRAPEVINE, copyright 2011 © Randy Tatano


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