Monday, October 31, 2011

Too many treats, not enough tricks

I remember getting my first apartment, and the feeling of being on my own. Sorta like being a homeowner without having to cut the grass.

Anyway, Halloween rolled around and I got home around seven. Suddenly a knock on the door.

"Trick or treat!"

Aw, hell. I mean, what bachelor living in an apartment expects kids to come knocking on the door?

I was stuck. I couldn't exactly break off a piece of the giant Cadbury bars I bought at the time. There was nothing remotely close to a "fun size" chocolate bar around and all I had in the fridge was some leftover linguine. Meanwhile, the kids were getting impatient. I needed to throw something in their plastic pumpkins.

I found a few ketchup packets left over from a fast food run, wrapped my hand tightly around them, and placed one in each pumpkin, making sure to bury it in the bottom. The kids took off and I turned out the lights.

I know, I'm a big meanie, but it was either that or get egged. Maybe all the bad Karma I've endured is the result of some poor kid dumping out his pumpkin and having his mother say, "Some SOB gave you ketchup?"

I related this story years later to a friend who thought it was hilarious. He decided to incorporate it into his Halloween stash, spending the year saving every packet of duck sauce, ranch dressing, and honey mustard dip for October 31st. When he recognized the obnoxious kids in his neighborhood, it was condiment city.

Trick. Where is it written that only those who prowl the streets in costume can play tricks?

Which brings us to the concept of payback. It's the same in life as it is in costume on Halloween night.

Be nice to people you work with and they'll give you the equivalent of chocolate when you ask for something. Trample the rose bushes and you go home with expired hollandaise sauce.


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