Thursday, December 27, 2012

The first (and possibly annual) Grape Awards

What the hell... every magazine has its awards issue. So we'll take a shot at some of the good (and mostly bad) things that flashed across the tube or had an effect on it in 2012.

Presidential moderator who could apply for a job as an extra on "The Walking Dead"- Jim Lehrer

Funniest line about the Presidential debates- Bill O'Reilly, who cracked that Lehrer sprained his wrist during the coin flip.

Video proof of what your News Director means when he says, "Get your head out of your butt" - Mark Sanchez, New York Jets

Missing the obvious award- (tie) Chris Collinsworth and Michele Tafoya, who claimed the above was caused by Vince Wilfork pushing the Jets lineman into Sanchez. Uh, no, Sanchez ran face first into the guy's butt. The video don't lie.

Prime time show that jumped an entire school of sharks- Revenge. Great the first year, more convoluted than the health care bill this year.

Creepiest commercial that made every woman say "Ewwww" and every man cross his legs- The one featuring the old guy offering a free sample of a catheter. Operators are standing by.

Most useless new gimmick during election coverage- Fox News "partnering" with Twitter to add up the number of tweets on a certain issue. And this meant... what?

Best new gimmick during debate coverage- Focus groups.

Incredibly talented Broadway star who finally brought her talent to television- Sutton Foster

Dog ate my homework award- Candy Crowley, CNN, for having a transcript on the Benghazi story and still confusing the issue.

Best moderator of the Presidential debates- Seriously?

Great new show that missed the obvious- Revolution. C'mon, can we have one, just one flashback of teenage girls freaking out when their cell phones died?

Funniest stat during a football game- NBC, during a December Eagles-Cowboys game in which it was stated that the Phillies had won a game more recently than the Eagles. Ouch.

Story I can't wait for Jon Stewart to skewer in 2013- Anthony Weiner's return to politics.

Anthony Weiner award for most appropriate last name in a sleazy story- Suzy Favor-Hamilton, the olympian who admitted to being a $600 an hour escort. With a stripper name like Suzy Favor, it was a matter of destiny.

Most puzzling love affair, sports division- National media's fawning over Michael Vick while slamming Tim Tebow. Guess they missed that right vs. wrong discussion in kindergarten.

National story that Americans got sick of real quick- Penn State. Important, yes, but the creepiness of this tale made me change the channel after a couple of days.

National story on which reporters dropped the ball- Benghazi. Not a Woodward or Bernstein in the bunch.

Undercover story that's begging to be done- The sheer ineptitude of the organization known as FEMA.

Best pinch hitter on the Sunday morning shows- Jake Tapper, who just left ABC for CNN.

The Dick Stockton award for the NFL play-by-play guy who seems to be watching a different game than the one being broadcast- Dick Stockton

Most insensitive piece of "journalism": The New York Post, for running a photo of a man about to be run over by a subway train, and every news organization that broadcast the photo.

The "I'd rather be first than right" award: Tie... The reporters who announced that the health care law had been ruled unconstitutional when it hadn't, and the reporters who broadcast the massive amount of mistakes on the Connecticut school shooting (wrong name of the shooter, wrong name of the school, wrong occupation for mother of the shooter, the list is endless.) But hey, you were first, right?

Biggest cause of the "I'd rather be first than right" problem: Twitter.

Worst addition to NFL pregame shows- Rob Riggle, Fox. The comedian who never made me laugh. Not even once. 

The "everyone's wonderful, so let's sing Kumbaya with Chuckie" award- Jon Gruden, Monday Night Football

Hospitality award- The staff of the Gulfport, Mississippi Marriott who opened the breakfast room for our crew late at night during Hurricane Isaac when every restaurant in town was closed.

Biggest surprise- Showing up at Graceland at four in the morning to do a live shot for the Today Show and seeing about a thousand people holding a candlelight vigil for Elvis Presley. At four in the morning.

Nicest celebrity I met this year- Priscilla Presley.

Video that made my flat screen explode- The Pittsburgh Steelers "deranged bumblebee" throwback uniforms. (Yeah, I can see Steel City hardhats putting those on their Christmas lists.)

"Analysis" that added nothing to the story- news organizations bringing in psychologists to find out why mass murderers do what they do. (Answer: they're just plain evil.)

Classiest move by a network- NBC postponing its staff Christmas party in light of the Connecticut tragedy.

And finally...

Best Christmas present I received from MTV- Cancellation of Jersey Shore, which will hopefully end the endless questions I receive as to whether Italians from the Northeast really talk that way. What, youse gotta problem wit da way we tawk?


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