Package repair, part one

Okay, as promised I'll take package scripts you've sent and attack them with my red pen. Consider it tough love.

Our first anonymous victim (excuse me, student) sent the following: (and I'm changing one name in the package)

{***ANCHOR***}

WE'RE CLOSELY TRACKING THE STORY OUT OF TWO SMALL NORTHSTATE HIGH SCHOOLS.

WE FIRST BROUGHT YOU THE STORY YESTERDAY -- WHEN SISKIYOU COUNTY DRUG AGENTS ENROLLED AN UNDERCOVER AGENT AS A STUDENT AT YREKA AND MT. SHASTA HIGH SCHOOLS.

THEY SAY OVER SEVERAL MONTHS… THE AGENT BOUGHT SEVERAL KINDS OF DRUGS... SOMETIMES VERY CLOSE TO THE CAMPUSES.

YESTERDAY AGENTS ARRESTED 32 PEOPLE.. INCLUDING A CITY COUNCILWOMAN.

{***MUGSHOT***}

40-YEAR-OLD Jane Doe ... WAS SWORN INTO THE CITY COUNCIL IN NOVEMBER.

DEPUTIES SAY THEY FOUND 34 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA AT HER HOME.

{***ANCHOR ON CAM***}

TONIGHT -- WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE -- THAT *ADULTS ARE ACCUSED OF SELLING TO STUDENTS JUST FEET AWAY FROM SCHOOLS!

JOE NORMAL TALKED TO STUDENTS IN YREKA ... WHO HAVE MIXED REACTIONS TO THE RAID.

{***PKG***}

<11:10 My little brother was one of them that had weed so they're looking for him.

FOR JUNIOR SHILO HUSTON -- NEWS OF THE DRUG BUST HITS CLOSE TO HOME.

HE'S NOT ALONE.

MANY STUDENTS SAY DRUGS ARE MORE WIDESPREAD THAN MANY PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO THINK.

Misa: How shocking is it that adults were selling to kids? shannon shelbock: Honestly, I'm not that surprised. The way things were going, it doesn't seem like anybody cares.

THAT IS, UNTIL THIS WEEK.

OFFICERS TOOK DOZENS OF ACCUSED DRUG DEALERS OFF SISKIYOU COUNTY STREETS, AFTER AN UNDERCOVER DEPUTY WENT UNDERCOVER AT YREKA AND MOUNT SHASTA HIGH SCHOOLS TO INVESTIGATE.

THERE HE REPORTEDLY FOUND DRUGS WERE BEING SOLD TO STUDENTS JUST OFF OF Y-REKA'S CAMPUS.

INVESTIGATORS SAY DEALERS MET TEENAGERS DURING LUNCH BREAKS AND AT AFTER SCHOOL EVENTS.

15:18 There's lots of it that goes on. I'm glad we're stopping it. I'm not into it. 15

- AND SHE'S NOT ALONE.

HUTSON AGREES, SAYING HIS CLASSMATES AND BROTHER NEED A LITTLE HELP ... TO JUST SAY NO.

11:18 He just smokes weed, and I tell him he's not supposed to, but he doesn't listen to me.

BUT MAYBE HE'LL LISTEN NOW.

SOQ.>

b-roll shots:

* students congregating at a parking lot near the school, where investigators say dealers sold drugs

* students walking out of Yreka High School

* wide shots of school (quiet)

* close shots of statue of Yreka High mascot

* blurred video of students walking through campus

* 2-shot of Misa and Shannon Shelbock

* wide-shot and close-up of school signs

* Mount Shasta City Hall exterior

* Mount Shasta City interior (wide-shot pan of office)

* close-up of Jane Doe's business card

Nat sound: students chatting

Transcription of sound bites: I threw away my notes immediately after I finished the project. I can tell you most of the sound was about the undercover investigator.

Description of stand-up (unused): We're told the undercover investigator never broke out of character. Police say he socialized with students here during lunch (pointing to crowd of students in parking lot) and at after school events.

***

Okay, drug bust story. Yawn. The word "yesterday" in the lead-in. Twice, no less. Double yawn. Yesterday means yesterday's news.

And then, about halfway through the lead-in it gets really interesting. A City Council member is allegedly a drug dealer!

You not only buried the lead, you poured cement over it, dumped in Jimmy Hoffa's body and built a stadium on top of it. This is a watercooler story. No one is going to be surprised that kids are buying drugs, no one is surprised that drug dealers hang out near schools, but they sure will be talking about an elected official who might be selling them to their little darlings.

So, let's start with the lead-in so that it grabs the viewer by the throat and won't let go. And remember, everything in present tense. Tell the viewer what is happening NOW.


Intro: Council Member Jane Doe is behind bars tonight (or out on bail), after police found more than thirty pounds of marijuana in her home that was apparently earmarked for sale to your children. She's allegedly part of a 32-person drug ring that was exposed by an undercover sting operation... one that no doubt has parents worried about security around school campuses. Joe Normal tells us that for many students, drug dealers at recess are nothing new.

Now to the package, and I'm going to assume you were assigned to do a story at the school while another reporter covered the political angle. (If not, you really missed the important part of the story.) Also, there's not much in the way of nat sound. You really needed some classroom video, closing lockers, cafeteria chatter, whatever. But I'll work with what you've got. And you shot a standup, which looks decent, but didn't use it. You need a standup in every package except for a funeral story.


NAT BREAK, Students walking out of school.

VOICEOVER: When the final bell rang today, students at Yreka school were greeted by a school bus or a parent... and not by a drug dealer. Marijuana is no longer on the lunch menu either after authorities cleaned up the streets around the school... thanks to a cop who went undercover and enrolled as a student.

STANDUP: We're told the undercover investigator never broke out of character. Police say he socialized with students here during lunch (pointing to crowd of students in parking lot) and at after school events.

NAT BREAK, students talking

VOICEOVER: Today's hallway gossip isn't about who's dating who, but who's been doing what. Students here say drug use and dealers lurking near campus is nothing new.

SOUND BITE/STUDENT: My little brother was one of them that had weed so they're looking for him.

SOUND BITES/STUDENTS (two-shot): Misa: How shocking is it that adults were selling to kids? shannon shelbock: Honestly, I'm not that surprised. The way things were going, it doesn't seem like anybody cares.

SOUND BITE/STUDENT: There's lots of it that goes on. I'm glad we're stopping it. I'm not into it.

And anyone who is into it might have to think twice... the student sitting in the next desk might just be a cop.

SOUND BITE/STUDENT (One of the bites you had about the undercover investigator.)

So with a few dozen less dealers on the street and the possibility the police might be watching, students who do use drugs might have to consider just saying no.

SIG OUT


Okay, so that's my version given what you've provided. Hope that helps. Remember, there are no "right ways" to do a package, no specific formula. Just put your best stuff up top, hook the viewer, the organize your story. Try to think visually when you're out in the field... ask yourself, what pictures will make this story come alive?

Any more out there, fire away.

By the way, that Yreka place really needs to buy a vowel.