Thanks to consultants and beancounters, we now have the ability to dictate to our viewers how they will watch news. Remember, we're in control, and if they want to get the full value of our newscasts they'll gonna have to work at it. None of this vegging out on the couch.
Here is the their view of how a newscast will be digested in the American home... once we get the viewers trained.
We drop in on Joe and Mabel Sixpack, a blue collar family with two teenage children, Bret and Sally. They live in a modest home, and, like many families, sit down to dinner while watching the local newscast anchored by our friends Ken Goodhair and Barbie Botox.
Joe: I don't understand the story we just watched. What actually happened?
Bret: (looking at his iPhone) Hang on, Dad. Let me check the station website.
Mabel: Put that thing down and eat your vegetables.
Sally's phone beeps and she grabs it from the table.
Sally: Hey, this tweet says they'll have more information on the reporter's blog tomorrow.
Joe: What about now?
Sally begins to type. Bret's phone beeps and he passes her a bowl of peas.
Joe: What are you two doing?
Bret: She instant messaged me that she wanted peas.
Mabel: You couldn't have just asked him? And could you please move the laptop to the other end of the table?
Sally: I had it there but the roast was steaming up the screen. And we need it if we're gonna watch the news. Remember, Martha Stewart says that when setting a table to accommodate television news viewing, the laptop goes to the right of vegetable bowl while the weather radio should be within a few inches of the salad fork. And each place setting should have a color coordinated PDA next to the napkin ring.
Joe: How very festive.
Ken Goodhair: Tonight we begin our series on escalator safety we call "Stairway to Death." In part two...
Joe: What happened to part one?
Barbie Botox: ...And if you'd like to see the first part of this series, it is available exclusively to customers of Acme Communications as a free download with every purchase of a ring tone.
Bret: Dad, I need a new phone from Acme.
The weather radio sounds an alarm and we hear the voice of Nick Doppler, the station meteorologist. "This is a tornado watch for the eastern part of Kansas..."
Sally: Assume crash positions!
Joe: But we're in Brooklyn!
Bret: Nick Doppler says you should always prepare.
Bret and Sally grab the laptop, run to the bathroom, jump in the tub, and pull a mattress over their heads.
Ken Goodhair: And if you just got my tweet during the break...
Joe: Hey buddy, I got your tweet right here.
Bret's voice: Dad! We can't get a wi-fi signal in the tub!
Mabel: How are we ever going to find out what's going on in the world? Doesn't anyone have an old fashioned newscast that you can just watch?
Joe grabs the remote.
Joe: Don't worry, honey. Jon Stewart's about to come on.
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