Consultants have discovered that the only thing that will attract viewers to newscasts is fear. With that in mind, news departments have been given a mandate to scare viewers so much they'll never leave their homes... and therefore have nothing to do but watch TV.
A glimpse into the future takes us to America's most popular newscast...(with both anchors wearing surgical masks...so you will only need beautiful eyes to get hired)
Ken Goodhair: Good evening everyone, I'm Ken Goodhair...
Barbie Botox: And I'm Barbie Botox. Welcome to "America Freaks Out!"
Ken: Coming up this hour... we'll continue our two part report called "Shopping cart handles.... the silent killer"... and tell you how to protect yourself from germs in the supermarket.
Barbie: And we begin a new series on pistachio nuts... "Red fingers of death"... you won't want to miss that one. But first let's check in on the latest swine flu news.
Ken: Our medical correspondent Doctor Vinny Goombatz is standing by live.
Barbie: Doc, what's the latest on the swine flu...
Vinny: I'm here at the local synagogue as I wanted to get as far away from pork products as possible.
(Rabbi enters the shot): Excuse, me, what are you doing here?
Vinny: Well, we wanted to know how it feels to be immune to the swine flu since you don't eat pork...
Rabbi: (rolling his eyes) Oy....
Vinny: And there you have it... the word for the day is "Oy!" So be safe, head to your local synagogue... surround yourself with your Jewish friends. Back to the studio.
Ken: Good advice, Vinny. Thanks for that report.
Barbie: Meanwhile new developments at the airport. With Vice President Biden telling people to avoid mass transportation, frequent fliers are getting creative. Joe Backpack is standing by live at the airport.
Joe: Well, Barbie, things have certainly changed if you're flying. Joining me is TSA inspector Ed Strippum to tell us about the new procedures.
Ed: Well, after we check the luggage, we then put every passenger through what we call a "Silkwood Shower"... the same kind of scrubbing you'd get if you were exposed to a nuclear reactor. Then we burn off a layer of skin in this machine. We got the idea from watching the movie "Andromeda Strain."
Joe: Kind of like a whole body chemical peel, huh? Thanks, Ed. (Walks to baggage check line.) Meanwhile this guy who is zipping himself into a suitcase is getting lots of attention. Sir, what are you doing?
Passenger: I'm shipping myself to San Diego. I don't want to get near any other passengers, so I figured I'll be safer in the cargo hold. I've got a sandwich and something to read, so I'll be fine.
Joe: Very clever. So if you're heading to the airport, you're advised to leave at least four hours for inspection, and that will include being deloused. Back to the studio.
Ken: Well, I'm sure those passengers feel a lot safer after that process.
Barbie: Meanwhile, with schools across America closed forever, parents are wondering what to do with their children. Joining us now is soccer mom and self-proclaimed helicopter parent Judy Suburb. Judy, thanks for joining us tonight...
Judy: By the way, I'm a former soccer mom.
Barbie: Really?
Judy: You think I'm going to let my kids play outside? Who knows where that dirt has been!
Ken: What about school, Judy. How are you going to educate your kids?
Judy: We've set up a system where teachers and students just Twitter all day. Let's face it, kids weren't speaking anyway...they'd rather text message... and this keeps them away from any human contact.
Barbie: Judy thanks for joining us. Oh, I see our weathercaster has a severe weather update. Let's check in with Jim Doppler in the weather center.
Jim Doppler: We are now under a cumulus cloud warning! A white, fluffy cloud has been spotted downtown and it is headed east! Run for your lives!
Ken: Good advice, Jim. We'll check back with you later.
Barbie: Coming up after the break... the latest in hazmat suit fashion... find out the latest colors and accessories to keep you safe while looking fashionable.
Ken: You're watching America Freaks Out... Don't be scared, we'll be right back... so don't go outside.
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